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[14 Aug 2006|09:24pm] |
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ive decided to close this journal and start anew. onaharmony is my new journal.
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[08 Aug 2006|08:17am] |
I have turned into an old woman since being home from California. I go to bed by 10 and wake up early, drink my coffee,read my books, and go to work at the kayak shop. I was talking to Mel yesterday about opening my own gallery and she says she was just like me when she was my age, full of dreams. But it made me really want to do this, open my own place for new unseen artists to thrive and display their work. It would be fucking awesome.
In less than a month I will be back at school and in less than 6 months I will (hopefully) be living in London. Rawk.
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[23 Jul 2006|04:07pm] |
Today:
Went for a run
Got a job at the Collinsville Bakery
Quit smoking for good
Spent some time with my little bro
Listened to some good music
Started counting down the days until I move back to Mass
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[20 Jul 2006|08:28pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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Home has been nice. I havent yet hit the utter boredom that I was terrified of. I take long bike rides around town remembering all the little secrets of my childhood in this town. I go for runs and play tennis and get nice and sweaty in the New England humidity. Ive been able to catch up with Jess and am able to spend more time with Linds. And its really nice to see my family and just be home for a prolonged amount of time after running all around for the past 2 years.
I miss everyone in California and find myself thinking about what I would be doing right now if I were there, but its better for me here in the end. Its the first time in a while where I have nothing to stress about. I have a month with nothing to do but what I want and it feels great.
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[17 Jul 2006|09:54am] |
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im coming home
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[10 Jul 2006|03:04pm] |
Life has been alrite lately. I am not as in love with this place as I used to be, but I feel I still owe it something. The 1st crew of kids leave on Thursday. Jon, Amanda, and I are chaperoning and are going to play around in the airport for a few hours. We have a house rented for a few days in Gualala and then we are all heading to San Fran for a day or two. I am going to get my tattoo and Im wicked excited. Finally some ink on my virgin skin.
Lis, thank you so much for the book. It is beautiful!
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[24 Jun 2006|06:19pm] |
I spent the morning washing wool to get it ready to dye and felt. The little girls around me were singing silly made-up songs and it made my maternal instincts go crazy and the swelled desire to have a pretty little girl of my own one day with pigtails. But my little girl would be tough as nails, mud-covered with messy braids flying.
I have been having crazy dreams lately. I must be sleeping differently because I never dream when I am at school. Someone told me that when you smoke pot you can't remember your dreams so that might have a little something to do with it considering I have basically stopped all bad habits while I have been here. A lot of my dreams have Javier in them which makes me scared that something bad has happened to him because my intuition is freakishly good. Or maybe it is the vestiges of what we had fading away. Im done holding on.
I have been very content lately. Going to bed and waking up happy.
I miss Ms. Adara Meyers and Samantha Hardin mucho!!!
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[24 Jun 2006|06:19pm] |
I spent the morning washing wool to get it ready to dye and felt. The little girls around me were singing silly made-up songs and it made my maternal instincts go crazy and the swelled desire to have a pretty little girl of my own one day with pigtails. But my little girl would be tough as nails, mud-covered with messy braids flying.
I have been having crazy dreams lately. I must be sleeping differently because I never dream when I am at school. Someone told me that when you smoke pot you can't remember your dreams so that might have a little something to do with it considering I have basically stopped all bad habits while I have been here. A lot of my dreams have Javier in them which makes me scared that something bad has happened to him because my intuition is freakishly good. Or maybe it is the vestiges of what we had fading away. Im done holding on.
I have been very content lately. Going to bed and waking up happy.
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[17 Jun 2006|09:51pm] |
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Life on the farm is getting better. I am slowly getting to know people better and am feeling more comfortable than before. I cherish my mornings that are spent with peaceful walks, cowboy coffee, and milking Samantha our milk cow. The nights are cold and spent sleeping bundled in my sleeping bag. I still miss my mother and wish she was here for me to talk to. Also, I am dying for a cigarette, a cappucino, and some deep conversation.
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[09 Jun 2006|07:24pm] |
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We finished work camp tonite and it feels good to be able to look at the farm and see all the changes that were made. Tomorrow we are all going to Santa Rosa for the day to get a dose of civilization and then going to Salt Point for the night to go camping. All the rest of the staff arrives on Sunday and Monday and then we are right back to work. It feels nice to go to bed feeling satisfied and fulfilled, like Ive been doing something worthwhile. There are some really great people here and I am lucky to get to spend time with them.
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[05 Jun 2006|07:18pm] |
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I am having major withdrawals from the life i love back home on the east coast. I miss sitting in the apartment and eating dinner with my family. I miss Wheaton and hanging out in Neils's room and smoking cigarettes with Lis. I am having a harder time this year leaving my life behind and right now 3 months seems like a really long time.
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| california days |
[02 Jun 2006|01:53pm] |
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happy and dirty |
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I spent the morning digging around in the garden getting it all ready to seed and plant. Feeling the earth leaving me envigorated and happy. I am caked in dirt and loving it. The remnants of the things I was clinging to are disappearing and I'm ready to take on new beginnings. I had a dream about Javier last nite and we were in love again and I woke up this morning dissapointed to find that it was only a dream, but okay with putting it back in its place. I want my mother to see this place and fall in love like I have. One more day of work and then we have a day off. We are all going to the Russian River Rodeo, aka Hicks Field Day. It should be great.
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[30 May 2006|06:52pm] |
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Today was the 1st real day of work. It was hard hard hard! We leveled, lifted, racheted, and bolted all day long. But now I am nice and clean and warm. Its lots of good food, good company, and good laughs. We got two baby puppies and some kittens in today and they are the cutest things ever. My bones are tired and I am looking forward to a good night sleep tonite under the stars.
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[28 May 2006|05:26pm] |
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I arrived in the golden state of california yesterday and took the bus to Petaluma after smoking my final cigarettes and talking to some fellas headed to National Guard Training. I let the hills welcome me home and made it to camp at around 8:30 after picking up G-Banger and running some errands. It felt so good to be back and sleep outside under the stars. It was chilly/perfect sleeping weather all bundled in my bag and wool blankets. Today was a whole lot of doing nothing. Basically the only time at Plantation where I get to sleep in. We cleaned the kitchen which was pretty gnarly and then went and did chores. I didn't waste any time with the cow milking, got right to it. Im really psyched for the newbies to start coming and getting to know some really good new people. Welcome summer!
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[26 May 2006|11:12am] |
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im freaking out. i had a "meeting" with my parents last nite about money for college and basically there is none left. the trust ran out and we are looking at $90,000 that we have to scrounge up for me to go to Wheaton for the next 2 years (not including the 90,000 it will take to send Alex to Franklin as well). I almost broke into tears looking at my moms face when my dad told her she had to come up with 60,000 knowing that there is no way that she can do that. She wants so badly to be able to help out, but they just can't. I don't begrudge them that at all. Its not their responsibility to send me to a school that charges a ridiculous amount for tuition. So I am looking at student loans and am basically going to walk away with 50,000 dollars of debt in student loans. Which means I better get a kick ass career or I am fucked. I hate money.
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[23 May 2006|09:20pm] |
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ive been at home for a few days now. its been spent going through my life that is packed away in boxes, rolling cigarettes, drinking tea, catching up with various people, sitting on my back stoop watching the wind blow while thinking of all the things that granby means to me, and getting myself ready to leave again. i have been struggling with big thoughts lately like what im going to do with my life whilst coming to terms with the fact that i only have two years until i have to get my life in order. i leave on thursday for boston and fly out on saturday. california always brings contemplation and clarity and hopefully the end of the summer will come with answers to the questions that are swirling in my head.
grades came in. i did pretty well this semester with a 3.4 overall. i got an A- in my 300 level class. i worked my ass off for that class and loved it, art history since 1945. All my favorites wrapped up into one. plus the professor was great.
i bought two books today. on the road by kerouac and a isla negra by pablo neruda. my favorite thing is reading on planes and i have plenty of that to look forward to.
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[18 May 2006|11:13pm] |
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jack kerouac makes me want to up and go. sling a pack on my back and live life the real way. hitchhiking and meeting and learning and reading the good books and writing the real words. oh its just so good.
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[15 May 2006|12:25pm] |
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adam and i went and saw sigur ros last nite in boston. it was pouring and you could hear the rain hitting the roof of the pavillion. they dragged a sheet across the stage so you could only see the silhouettes. i started to cry during one of the songs just because it was so beautiful and i finally let myself feel all the things i have supressed for the last three months. it was nice to see my brother. he got back from switzerland on saturday and is living in annisquam this summer. hes not talking to my parents and is being anm egotistical asshole about the whole situation but thats very in character of him. my dad was drunk when i got home and it was embarrassing having him meet adam, but thats the story of my life. i got a bunch of kerouac and neruda to keep me company this week. i have alot of packing to do and have no clue how we are going to fit all my stuff plus a couch in the van.
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[13 May 2006|10:59am] |
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I AM DONE! I just took my last exam and am officially a junior in college. what a mind trip. brian and i said goodbye last nite over one last ciggarette since both him and i are quitting (we'll see how that goes). it went pretty smoothly. less grandiose than i had hoped for, but thats a good thing. im not too sure what to do with myself when i dont have a paper to write or reading to do. I think I might go into boston to see my bro because he just got back from switzerland yesterday. but its kind of rainy gross not so great city weather. or maybe i will crack open the great gatsby and do some pleasure reading for once in a long while. i wish i could go home today!! but in less than 2 weeks im on the plane to my heart land.
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[11 May 2006|06:03pm] |
sitting outside on the bench smoking a cigarette and drinking a coffee was the best idea i have had all day.
i am tired of killing time. let me go home.
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hardenedheart's journal